02 July 2013

How to lose weight...

So I mentioned that I have gallstones and gestational diabetes. I believe way back at the beginning of this blog, I also mentioned I'd lost some weight of my own volition. One of the hardest parts of this pregnancy has been wrapping my brain around allowing myself to gain weight. With Girlchild, I was so sick I lost 70 pounds. Of the 3 different doctors involved in my care, not one was concerned, as 'I had it to lose'. So in the back of my mind, while I wasn't wishing for another pregnancy as miserable as that one, I was hoping for the magic weight loss again.

I maintained my current weight (which is at a 60 pound weight loss) for the first 4 or so months, and then some pounds started creeping on. I managed to convince myself that some weight gain was good because it is, and slowly, I put on between 15-20 pounds. And that's totally perfect for weight gain because when you have a baby, you lose between 15 and 20 pounds in the first weeks post-partum. So I wrestled with my own body image issues, and won a valiant victory over that demon, only to start looking like I'd gained all 60 pounds back. Even though it was only 20.

Now, I struggle with depression and anxiety on top of everything as it is, and I recognize a trigger when I see one, so I knew this baby belly was triggering some insane anxiety in me. And I also was very well aware that it was a really ridiculous angst. You're supposed to grow when you are incubating another life inside you. It's natural. But my brain was so locked into 'healthy eating means weight loss follows' mode that I truly understood what people with eating disorders must go through.

And just as I managed to defeat another demon, and really recognize that my body is in a temporary place right now, the pain started. And the gestational diabetes was diagnosed, and I lost all my comfort foods in one fell swoop - they're too carby. So I made those changes, and saw a dip in the scale and shrugged it off. I could still have a BBQ'd hamburger, so long as it wasn't in a puffy white bun, so life was good. And then the pain continued, and we discovered this pile of gallstones. Which has eliminated the last of the comfort foods.

Needless to say, I wasn't really surprised this morning when I hopped on the scale and found that I am 1.2 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. So now the obsessing starts anew. Am I eating enough to nourish Tadpole Jones? Is this sudden weight loss harmful? Probably nothing to worry about - after all - I 'have the weight to lose', but with 4 weeks left to this endless pregnancy, I have to have something to worry about. It's in my nature.

I wouldn't recommend the gestational diabetes/gallstones diet, by the way. It's painful, involves poking your fingers 4 times a day and occasionally jabbing yourself in the belly, and it can get pretty boring if you're not feeling well enough to cook. But for now, I'm going to roll with it.

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